Sometimes it's just not what you thought it would be...

It's August 26th, 2011. Tomorrow it will be 16 months since I got my double mastectomy. A short month before that, I had my biopsy and genetics test which changed my life. I was ready to face the world without breasts. I was ready to say "who needs boobs?" to the world and just buy some patterned blouses and move on with life. I was ready to say F-you to cancer and to the whole universe who wanted me to have breasts.

I thought it would be easy. I thought it would be empowering. I thought I would feel on top of the world.

Sometimes it's just not what you thought it would be...

I have been considering breast reconstruction. I met with a plastic surgeon and I think I am going to do it. Why? because I want to feel sexy again. I want to be able to try on clothes and have them fit and not look like a pear anymore. I want to be able to know for sure that the person looking at me isn't noticing my flat chest. I want to feel less insecure about my body. I want to FEEL.

And what is going through my head? I feel like I have failed. i had such high hopes for my booblessness. I had goals and aspirations to be inspiring and a real example of how other women who have had to make tough mastectomy and reconstruction decisions should behave. or at least how they *could* behave. I wanted to show my photos on breastfree.org and help other women through this process. I wanted to be seen as a non-reconstruction success story.

Sometimes it's just not what you thought it would be...

I have realized that it's not my responsibility to be an example to the world, though. I'm not a public figure. I'm not a celebrity. I'm a teacher, a friend, a wife, a mother, and I happened to kick cancer's ass. Those are the badges I want to wear. I am a survivor. And i want to feel good about myself again.

Please read Real Women by Hanne Blank. You can google it, or go to www.hanneblank.com/blog/2011/06/23/real-women